Reading Help Gulliver's Travels. Part II, III, IV
But for short conversations, a man may carry implements in his `
` pockets, and under his arms, enough to supply him; and in his `
` house, he cannot be at a loss. Therefore the room where company `
` meet who practise this art, is full of all things, ready at hand, `
` requisite to furnish matter for this kind of artificial converse. `
` `
` Another great advantage proposed by this invention was, that it `
` would serve as a universal language, to be understood in all `
` civilised nations, whose goods and utensils are generally of the `
` same kind, or nearly resembling, so that their uses might easily be `
` comprehended. And thus ambassadors would be qualified to treat `
` with foreign princes, or ministers of state, to whose tongues they `
` were utter strangers. `
` `
` I was at the mathematical school, where the master taught his `
` pupils after a method scarce imaginable to us in Europe. The `
` proposition, and demonstration, were fairly written on a thin `
` wafer, with ink composed of a cephalic tincture. This, the student `
` was to swallow upon a fasting stomach, and for three days `
` following, eat nothing but bread and water. As the wafer digested, `
` the tincture mounted to his brain, bearing the proposition along `
` with it. But the success has not hitherto been answerable, partly `
` by some error in the quantum or composition, and partly by the `
` perverseness of lads, to whom this bolus is so nauseous, that they `
` generally steal aside, and discharge it upwards, before it can `
` operate; neither have they been yet persuaded to use so long an `
` abstinence, as the prescription requires. `
` `
` `
` `
` CHAPTER VI. `
` `
` `
` `
` [A further account of the academy. The author proposes some `
` improvements, which are honourably received.] `
` `
` In the school of political projectors, I was but ill entertained; `
` the professors appearing, in my judgment, wholly out of their `
` senses, which is a scene that never fails to make me melancholy. `
` These unhappy people were proposing schemes for persuading monarchs `
` to choose favourites upon the score of their wisdom, capacity, and `
` virtue; of teaching ministers to consult the public good; of `
` rewarding merit, great abilities, eminent services; of instructing `
` princes to know their true interest, by placing it on the same `
` foundation with that of their people; of choosing for employments `
` persons qualified to exercise them, with many other wild, `
` impossible chimeras, that never entered before into the heart of `
` man to conceive; and confirmed in me the old observation, "that `
` there is nothing so extravagant and irrational, which some `
` philosophers have not maintained for truth." `
` `
` But, however, I shall so far do justice to this part of the `
` Academy, as to acknowledge that all of them were not so visionary. `
` There was a most ingenious doctor, who seemed to be perfectly `
` versed in the whole nature and system of government. This `
` illustrious person had very usefully employed his studies, in `
` finding out effectual remedies for all diseases and corruptions to `
` which the several kinds of public administration are subject, by `
` the vices or infirmities of those who govern, as well as by the `
` licentiousness of those who are to obey. For instance: whereas `
` all writers and reasoners have agreed, that there is a strict `
` universal resemblance between the natural and the political body; `
` can there be any thing more evident, than that the health of both `
` must be preserved, and the diseases cured, by the same `
` prescriptions? It is allowed, that senates and great councils are `
` often troubled with redundant, ebullient, and other peccant `
` humours; with many diseases of the head, and more of the heart; `
` with strong convulsions, with grievous contractions of the nerves `
` and sinews in both hands, but especially the right; with spleen, `
` flatus, vertigos, and deliriums; with scrofulous tumours, full of `
` fetid purulent matter; with sour frothy ructations: with canine `
` appetites, and crudeness of digestion, besides many others, `
` needless to mention. This doctor therefore proposed, "that upon `
` the meeting of the senate, certain physicians should attend it the `
` three first days of their sitting, and at the close of each day's `
` debate feel the pulses of every senator; after which, having `
` maturely considered and consulted upon the nature of the several `
` maladies, and the methods of cure, they should on the fourth day `
` return to the senate house, attended by their apothecaries stored `
` with proper medicines; and before the members sat, administer to `
` each of them lenitives, aperitives, abstersives, corrosives, `
` restringents, palliatives, laxatives, cephalalgics, icterics, `
` apophlegmatics, acoustics, as their several cases required; and, `
` according as these medicines should operate, repeat, alter, or omit `
` them, at the next meeting." `
` `
` This project could not be of any great expense to the public; and `
` might in my poor opinion, be of much use for the despatch of `
` business, in those countries where senates have any share in the `
` legislative power; beget unanimity, shorten debates, open a few `
` mouths which are now closed, and close many more which are now `
` open; curb the petulancy of the young, and correct the positiveness `
` of the old; rouse the stupid, and damp the pert. `
` `
` Again: because it is a general complaint, that the favourites of `
` princes are troubled with short and weak memories; the same doctor `
` proposed, "that whoever attended a first minister, after having `
` told his business, with the utmost brevity and in the plainest `
` words, should, at his departure, give the said minister a tweak by `
` the nose, or a kick in the belly, or tread on his corns, or lug him `
` thrice by both ears, or run a pin into his breech; or pinch his arm `
` black and blue, to prevent forgetfulness; and at every levee day, `
` repeat the same operation, till the business were done, or `
` absolutely refused." `
` `
` He likewise directed, "that every senator in the great council of a `
` nation, after he had delivered his opinion, and argued in the `
` defence of it, should be obliged to give his vote directly `
` contrary; because if that were done, the result would infallibly `
` terminate in the good of the public." `
` `
` When parties in a state are violent, he offered a wonderful `
` contrivance to reconcile them. The method is this: You take a `
` hundred leaders of each party; you dispose them into couples of `
` such whose heads are nearest of a size; then let two nice operators `
` saw off the occiput of each couple at the same time, in such a `
` manner that the brain may be equally divided. Let the occiputs, `
` thus cut off, be interchanged, applying each to the head of his `
` opposite party-man. It seems indeed to be a work that requires `
` some exactness, but the professor assured us, "that if it were `
` dexterously performed, the cure would be infallible." For he `
` argued thus: "that the two half brains being left to debate the `
` matter between themselves within the space of one skull, would soon `
` come to a good understanding, and produce that moderation, as well `
` as regularity of thinking, so much to be wished for in the heads of `
` those, who imagine they come into the world only to watch and `
` govern its motion: and as to the difference of brains, in quantity `
` or quality, among those who are directors in faction, the doctor `
` assured us, from his own knowledge, that "it was a perfect trifle." `
` `
` I heard a very warm debate between two professors, about the most `
` commodious and effectual ways and means of raising money, without `
` grieving the subject. The first affirmed, "the justest method `
` would be, to lay a certain tax upon vices and folly; and the sum `
` fixed upon every man to be rated, after the fairest manner, by a `
` jury of his neighbours." The second was of an opinion directly `
` contrary; "to tax those qualities of body and mind, for which men `
` chiefly value themselves; the rate to be more or less, according to `
` the degrees of excelling; the decision whereof should be left `
` entirely to their own breast." The highest tax was upon men who `
` are the greatest favourites of the other sex, and the assessments, `
` according to the number and nature of the favours they have `
` received; for which, they are allowed to be their own vouchers. `
` Wit, valour, and politeness, were likewise proposed to be largely `
` taxed, and collected in the same manner, by every person's giving `
` his own word for the quantum of what he possessed. But as to `
` honour, justice, wisdom, and learning, they should not be taxed at `
` all; because they are qualifications of so singular a kind, that no `
` man will either allow them in his neighbour or value them in `
` himself. `
` `
` The women were proposed to be taxed according to their beauty and `
` skill in dressing, wherein they had the same privilege with the `
` men, to be determined by their own judgment. But constancy, `
` chastity, good sense, and good nature, were not rated, because they `
` would not bear the charge of collecting. `
` `
` To keep senators in the interest of the crown, it was proposed that `
` the members should raffle for employment; every man first taking an `
` oath, and giving security, that he would vote for the court, `
` whether he won or not; after which, the losers had, in their turn, `
` the liberty of raffling upon the next vacancy. Thus, hope and `
` expectation would be kept alive; none would complain of broken `
` promises, but impute their disappointments wholly to fortune, whose `
` shoulders are broader and stronger than those of a ministry. `
` `
` Another professor showed me a large paper of instructions for `
` discovering plots and conspiracies against the government. He `
` advised great statesmen to examine into the diet of all suspected `
` persons; their times of eating; upon which side they lay in bed; `
` with which hand they wipe their posteriors; take a strict view of `
` their excrements, and, from the colour, the odour, the taste, the `
` consistence, the crudeness or maturity of digestion, form a `
` judgment of their thoughts and designs; because men are never so `
` serious, thoughtful, and intent, as when they are at stool, which `
` he found by frequent experiment; for, in such conjunctures, when he `
` used, merely as a trial, to consider which was the best way of `
` murdering the king, his ordure would have a tincture of green; but `
` quite different, when he thought only of raising an insurrection, `
` or burning the metropolis. `
` `
` The whole discourse was written with great acuteness, containing `
` many observations, both curious and useful for politicians; but, as `
` I conceived, not altogether complete. This I ventured to tell the `
` author, and offered, if he pleased, to supply him with some `
` additions. He received my proposition with more compliance than is `
` usual among writers, especially those of the projecting species, `
` professing "he would be glad to receive further information." `
` `
` I told him, "that in the kingdom of Tribnia, by the natives `
` called Langdon, where I had sojourned some time in my travels, `
` the bulk of the people consist in a manner wholly of discoverers, `
` witnesses, informers, accusers, prosecutors, evidences, swearers, `
` together with their several subservient and subaltern instruments, `
` all under the colours, the conduct, and the pay of ministers of `
` state, and their deputies. The plots, in that kingdom, are usually `
` the workmanship of those persons who desire to raise their own `
` characters of profound politicians; to restore new vigour to a `
` crazy administration; to stifle or divert general discontents; to `
` fill their coffers with forfeitures; and raise, or sink the opinion `
`
` pockets, and under his arms, enough to supply him; and in his `
` house, he cannot be at a loss. Therefore the room where company `
` meet who practise this art, is full of all things, ready at hand, `
` requisite to furnish matter for this kind of artificial converse. `
` `
` Another great advantage proposed by this invention was, that it `
` would serve as a universal language, to be understood in all `
` civilised nations, whose goods and utensils are generally of the `
` same kind, or nearly resembling, so that their uses might easily be `
` comprehended. And thus ambassadors would be qualified to treat `
` with foreign princes, or ministers of state, to whose tongues they `
` were utter strangers. `
` `
` I was at the mathematical school, where the master taught his `
` pupils after a method scarce imaginable to us in Europe. The `
` proposition, and demonstration, were fairly written on a thin `
` wafer, with ink composed of a cephalic tincture. This, the student `
` was to swallow upon a fasting stomach, and for three days `
` following, eat nothing but bread and water. As the wafer digested, `
` the tincture mounted to his brain, bearing the proposition along `
` with it. But the success has not hitherto been answerable, partly `
` by some error in the quantum or composition, and partly by the `
` perverseness of lads, to whom this bolus is so nauseous, that they `
` generally steal aside, and discharge it upwards, before it can `
` operate; neither have they been yet persuaded to use so long an `
` abstinence, as the prescription requires. `
` `
` `
` `
` CHAPTER VI. `
` `
` `
` `
` [A further account of the academy. The author proposes some `
` improvements, which are honourably received.] `
` `
` In the school of political projectors, I was but ill entertained; `
` the professors appearing, in my judgment, wholly out of their `
` senses, which is a scene that never fails to make me melancholy. `
` These unhappy people were proposing schemes for persuading monarchs `
` to choose favourites upon the score of their wisdom, capacity, and `
` virtue; of teaching ministers to consult the public good; of `
` rewarding merit, great abilities, eminent services; of instructing `
` princes to know their true interest, by placing it on the same `
` foundation with that of their people; of choosing for employments `
` persons qualified to exercise them, with many other wild, `
` impossible chimeras, that never entered before into the heart of `
` man to conceive; and confirmed in me the old observation, "that `
` there is nothing so extravagant and irrational, which some `
` philosophers have not maintained for truth." `
` `
` But, however, I shall so far do justice to this part of the `
` Academy, as to acknowledge that all of them were not so visionary. `
` There was a most ingenious doctor, who seemed to be perfectly `
` versed in the whole nature and system of government. This `
` illustrious person had very usefully employed his studies, in `
` finding out effectual remedies for all diseases and corruptions to `
` which the several kinds of public administration are subject, by `
` the vices or infirmities of those who govern, as well as by the `
` licentiousness of those who are to obey. For instance: whereas `
` all writers and reasoners have agreed, that there is a strict `
` universal resemblance between the natural and the political body; `
` can there be any thing more evident, than that the health of both `
` must be preserved, and the diseases cured, by the same `
` prescriptions? It is allowed, that senates and great councils are `
` often troubled with redundant, ebullient, and other peccant `
` humours; with many diseases of the head, and more of the heart; `
` with strong convulsions, with grievous contractions of the nerves `
` and sinews in both hands, but especially the right; with spleen, `
` flatus, vertigos, and deliriums; with scrofulous tumours, full of `
` fetid purulent matter; with sour frothy ructations: with canine `
` appetites, and crudeness of digestion, besides many others, `
` needless to mention. This doctor therefore proposed, "that upon `
` the meeting of the senate, certain physicians should attend it the `
` three first days of their sitting, and at the close of each day's `
` debate feel the pulses of every senator; after which, having `
` maturely considered and consulted upon the nature of the several `
` maladies, and the methods of cure, they should on the fourth day `
` return to the senate house, attended by their apothecaries stored `
` with proper medicines; and before the members sat, administer to `
` each of them lenitives, aperitives, abstersives, corrosives, `
` restringents, palliatives, laxatives, cephalalgics, icterics, `
` apophlegmatics, acoustics, as their several cases required; and, `
` according as these medicines should operate, repeat, alter, or omit `
` them, at the next meeting." `
` `
` This project could not be of any great expense to the public; and `
` might in my poor opinion, be of much use for the despatch of `
` business, in those countries where senates have any share in the `
` legislative power; beget unanimity, shorten debates, open a few `
` mouths which are now closed, and close many more which are now `
` open; curb the petulancy of the young, and correct the positiveness `
` of the old; rouse the stupid, and damp the pert. `
` `
` Again: because it is a general complaint, that the favourites of `
` princes are troubled with short and weak memories; the same doctor `
` proposed, "that whoever attended a first minister, after having `
` told his business, with the utmost brevity and in the plainest `
` words, should, at his departure, give the said minister a tweak by `
` the nose, or a kick in the belly, or tread on his corns, or lug him `
` thrice by both ears, or run a pin into his breech; or pinch his arm `
` black and blue, to prevent forgetfulness; and at every levee day, `
` repeat the same operation, till the business were done, or `
` absolutely refused." `
` `
` He likewise directed, "that every senator in the great council of a `
` nation, after he had delivered his opinion, and argued in the `
` defence of it, should be obliged to give his vote directly `
` contrary; because if that were done, the result would infallibly `
` terminate in the good of the public." `
` `
` When parties in a state are violent, he offered a wonderful `
` contrivance to reconcile them. The method is this: You take a `
` hundred leaders of each party; you dispose them into couples of `
` such whose heads are nearest of a size; then let two nice operators `
` saw off the occiput of each couple at the same time, in such a `
` manner that the brain may be equally divided. Let the occiputs, `
` thus cut off, be interchanged, applying each to the head of his `
` opposite party-man. It seems indeed to be a work that requires `
` some exactness, but the professor assured us, "that if it were `
` dexterously performed, the cure would be infallible." For he `
` argued thus: "that the two half brains being left to debate the `
` matter between themselves within the space of one skull, would soon `
` come to a good understanding, and produce that moderation, as well `
` as regularity of thinking, so much to be wished for in the heads of `
` those, who imagine they come into the world only to watch and `
` govern its motion: and as to the difference of brains, in quantity `
` or quality, among those who are directors in faction, the doctor `
` assured us, from his own knowledge, that "it was a perfect trifle." `
` `
` I heard a very warm debate between two professors, about the most `
` commodious and effectual ways and means of raising money, without `
` grieving the subject. The first affirmed, "the justest method `
` would be, to lay a certain tax upon vices and folly; and the sum `
` fixed upon every man to be rated, after the fairest manner, by a `
` jury of his neighbours." The second was of an opinion directly `
` contrary; "to tax those qualities of body and mind, for which men `
` chiefly value themselves; the rate to be more or less, according to `
` the degrees of excelling; the decision whereof should be left `
` entirely to their own breast." The highest tax was upon men who `
` are the greatest favourites of the other sex, and the assessments, `
` according to the number and nature of the favours they have `
` received; for which, they are allowed to be their own vouchers. `
` Wit, valour, and politeness, were likewise proposed to be largely `
` taxed, and collected in the same manner, by every person's giving `
` his own word for the quantum of what he possessed. But as to `
` honour, justice, wisdom, and learning, they should not be taxed at `
` all; because they are qualifications of so singular a kind, that no `
` man will either allow them in his neighbour or value them in `
` himself. `
` `
` The women were proposed to be taxed according to their beauty and `
` skill in dressing, wherein they had the same privilege with the `
` men, to be determined by their own judgment. But constancy, `
` chastity, good sense, and good nature, were not rated, because they `
` would not bear the charge of collecting. `
` `
` To keep senators in the interest of the crown, it was proposed that `
` the members should raffle for employment; every man first taking an `
` oath, and giving security, that he would vote for the court, `
` whether he won or not; after which, the losers had, in their turn, `
` the liberty of raffling upon the next vacancy. Thus, hope and `
` expectation would be kept alive; none would complain of broken `
` promises, but impute their disappointments wholly to fortune, whose `
` shoulders are broader and stronger than those of a ministry. `
` `
` Another professor showed me a large paper of instructions for `
` discovering plots and conspiracies against the government. He `
` advised great statesmen to examine into the diet of all suspected `
` persons; their times of eating; upon which side they lay in bed; `
` with which hand they wipe their posteriors; take a strict view of `
` their excrements, and, from the colour, the odour, the taste, the `
` consistence, the crudeness or maturity of digestion, form a `
` judgment of their thoughts and designs; because men are never so `
` serious, thoughtful, and intent, as when they are at stool, which `
` he found by frequent experiment; for, in such conjunctures, when he `
` used, merely as a trial, to consider which was the best way of `
` murdering the king, his ordure would have a tincture of green; but `
` quite different, when he thought only of raising an insurrection, `
` or burning the metropolis. `
` `
` The whole discourse was written with great acuteness, containing `
` many observations, both curious and useful for politicians; but, as `
` I conceived, not altogether complete. This I ventured to tell the `
` author, and offered, if he pleased, to supply him with some `
` additions. He received my proposition with more compliance than is `
` usual among writers, especially those of the projecting species, `
` professing "he would be glad to receive further information." `
` `
` I told him, "that in the kingdom of Tribnia, by the natives `
` called Langdon, where I had sojourned some time in my travels, `
` the bulk of the people consist in a manner wholly of discoverers, `
` witnesses, informers, accusers, prosecutors, evidences, swearers, `
` together with their several subservient and subaltern instruments, `
` all under the colours, the conduct, and the pay of ministers of `
` state, and their deputies. The plots, in that kingdom, are usually `
` the workmanship of those persons who desire to raise their own `
` characters of profound politicians; to restore new vigour to a `
` crazy administration; to stifle or divert general discontents; to `
` fill their coffers with forfeitures; and raise, or sink the opinion `
`